How Insecurity is a Form of Pride
We often see humility as being less than others, or putting ourselves down. But in reality, insecurity is actually a form of pride.
If you were to die tomorrow, would you go to the Celestial Kingdom?
If your answer is “no,” because to say “yes” feels arrogant or prideful, but you also have a current temple recommend – then you are wrong.
I was asked this same question my first week in the MTC. Our teacher (who felt so much older and wiser, but was really just a young man around 23 years old) came in and told us that if he got hit by a bus on the way to class, he would go to the Celestial Kingdom.
We were all in shock at his hubris. I mean, the arrogance of thinking that you were worthy of the Celestial Kingdom right now, with all your imperfections!
But you know what? He was right.
I used to think humility meant being small.
Not physically small, obviously. But spiritually small. Quiet. Unassuming. Careful not to draw attention. Careful not to sound too sure of myself. Careful not to acknowledge my own strengths too much, because that might be prideful.
And I don’t think I’m the only one who has felt that way.
In the Church, we talk a lot about humility. We know pride is dangerous. We know we should rely on the Lord and not on our own strength. We know we should be meek, teachable, submissive, and willing to follow God’s will.
But somewhere along the way, I think many of us begin to confuse humility with insecurity.
We start to believe that being humble means doubting ourselves.
We think it means brushing off compliments, refusing to recognize our gifts, and feeling uncomfortable with confidence. We worry that if we acknowledge we are good at something, or if we feel sure about our standing before God, we must be drifting into pride.
But the opposite of pride is not insecurity.
The opposite of pride is humility.
And humility is not thinking less of yourself. It is being willing to see yourself the way God sees you.
That means true humility can actually create confidence.
Not confidence because we think we are better than other people. Not confidence because we believe we can do everything on our own. But confidence because we trust God more than we trust our own fears.
Pride and insecurity can look different but come from the same place
I have a very strong personality.
This is not news to anyone who knows me.
Growing up, especially compared to some younger sisters who were much more shy and quiet, I was often labeled the loud one. The bossy one. The one who talked too much, had too many opinions, and took up too much space.
And for a long time, I believed that meant something was wrong with me.
I thought that if I wanted to be a good Latter-day Saint woman, I needed to stifle that part of myself. I needed to be softer. Quieter. More demure. Less noticeable.
In my mind, righteousness meant shrinking.
The year before my mission, I prayed fervently to know how I could use that year to prepare. I wanted to be the best missionary I could be. I was heading back to BYU for my junior year, which would be my last year before turning in my mission papers.
Before I left, my father gave me a priesthood blessing.
He did not know what I had been praying about.
But I will never forget what he said.
“You have two great weaknesses: a unique combination of both pride and insecurity. You will need to conquer both this year, or it will greatly hinder your progress as a missionary. … Remember Brigham Young: he was a very humble man, but he was a great person and a strong leader.”
At the time, I understood the pride part.
I definitely understood the insecurity part.
What I did not understand was how they could possibly be connected.
Weren’t they opposites?
Wasn’t pride thinking too highly of yourself, while insecurity was thinking too lowly of yourself?
That blessing began a long study for me on the relationship between humility, confidence, pride, and insecurity. And the more I studied, the more I realized that pride and insecurity are often much more closely related than we think.
What “pride” really means
We often define pride as thinking we are better than someone else. And yes, that is one way pride can show up.
But President Ezra Taft Benson gave a much deeper definition in his talk “Beware of Pride.” He said: “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’”
That definition changed everything for me.
Pride is not simply confidence.
Pride is not having a strong personality.
Pride is not being capable, visible, bold, or willing to lead.
Pride is opposition to God. It is placing our own thoughts, desires, judgments, or opinions above His.
And once we understand pride that way, insecurity begins to look very different.
Because insecurity can also place us in opposition to God.
God says we are His children.
God says we have divine worth.
God says He has given us gifts.
God says His grace is sufficient.
God says He can make weak things become strong.
God says that when we sincerely repent, He forgives us.
But insecurity says, “No. I know better.”
God says, “You are loved.”
Insecurity says, “I am not lovable.”
God says, “You have something to offer.”
Insecurity says, “I am useless.”
God says, “I can strengthen you.”
Insecurity says, “Not me.”
God says, “You are forgiven.”
Insecurity says, “I cannot forgive myself.”
And that sounds humble at first.
But is it?
If God has spoken, and we insist our own negative view is more accurate, then we are still putting our judgment above His.
And that is why insecurity can become a form of pride.
Insecurity is not the same as humility
Now, I want to be careful here.
I am not saying that every feeling of discouragement is pride. I am not talking about clinical anxiety, depression, trauma, or real emotional wounds. Those things deserve compassion, patience, and often professional support.
What I am talking about is the spiritual habit of trusting our own negative view of ourselves more than we trust God’s view of us.
That is something many of us do.
We think it is humble to deny our strengths.
We think it is humble to constantly criticize ourselves.
We think it is humble to say, “I’m not good at anything,” or “I could never do that,” or “I have nothing to offer.”
But if God gave us gifts, then refusing to acknowledge those gifts is not humility.
It is refusing to recognize His hand.
Humility does not say, “I am terrible.”
Humility says, “Everything good in me comes from God.”
Those are very different.
One keeps our focus on ourselves.
The other turns our focus to Him.
You can be humble AND confident!
This is where the relationship between humility and confidence becomes so beautiful to me.
You can be humble and confident.
You can recognize your gifts without believing you are better than anyone else.
You can speak boldly without being prideful.
You can accept a calling with confidence, not because you think you are amazing, but because you trust the Lord to magnify your efforts.
You can even feel confident about your standing before God.
That may sound strange at first, but it shouldn’t.
If Judgment Day were tomorrow, you can have confidence that through Jesus Christ, you would inherit the Celestial Kingdom.
Not because you are perfect.
Because He is.
That is not arrogance.
That is faith.
It is believing the Atonement is real.
It is believing the Atonement is powerful enough to cover every sin you have sincerely repented of.
It is kneeling before God, asking forgiveness, and then standing up believing that He actually forgave you.
Sometimes we do the kneeling part, but we dont’ actually do the standing part.
We ask God to forgive us, and then continue punishing ourselves long after the Lord has already extended mercy.
We think hating ourselves proves we are sorry.
But humility is not refusing forgiveness; humility is accepting God’s judgment over our own.
If He says we are forgiven, humility believes Him.
If He says we are loved, humility believes Him.
If He says we can do His work, humility gets up and does it.
And that is why I can now say, with complete confidence and humility, that if I were to be hit by a bus this afternoon, and it were time for my final judgment, I would be going to the Celestial Kingdom.
It isn’t arrogance.
It’s faith.
It’s believing the Atonement IS real and IS all-powerful, to cover all sins. It’s then acting on that belief by asking forgiveness on your knees, then standing up and knowing that He has forgiven you.
THAT is humility – allowing yourself to see yourself the way God sees you. You put His view of you above your view of you.
If you don’t believe me, take a look at the talk “Approaching the Throne of God With Confidence.“
Humility and confidence belong together
This is why I love the relationship between humility and confidence, or as the scriptures often say, boldness.
We often picture humility as being meek, quiet, and long-suffering. And those can be Christlike traits. But somewhere along the way, many of us started believing humility means never speaking up, never taking the lead, never recognizing our strengths, and never allowing ourselves to be seen.
That is not humility.
That is fear dressed up as righteousness.
My father’s blessing specifically told me to remember Brigham Young.
Brigham Young was humble, but he was not timid.
He was called the Lion of the Lord. He led with strength. He spoke with power. He made difficult decisions. He carried enormous responsibility.
His confidence did not come from thinking he was wonderful. It came from submitting himself to God’s will and then trusting God to help him fulfill it.
The same principle shows up in Paul. The 2023 New Testament Come, Follow Me manual says, “If you follow Paul’s example of humility and boldness in sharing the gospel, you may find someone ‘whose heart the Lord [has] opened.’”
Humility and boldness.
Not humility or boldness.
Paul was humble because he gave his life to Christ. And because he trusted Christ, he was bold enough to testify before rulers, crowds, councils, and kings.
Humility does not require shrinking.
It requires surrendering.
And when we are truly surrendered to God, we can move forward with confidence.
This matters for women
I think this principle matters deeply for women.
Too many women spend years trying to become smaller versions of themselves because they think that is what righteousness requires.
We confuse selflessness with self-erasure.
We confuse meekness with silence.
We confuse humility with insecurity.
Patricia T. Holland once warned that if Satan wanted to destroy society, he would launch “a full-blown blitz on women” and keep them so “distraught and distracted” that they would never find the calming strength God intended for them.
Here is what she said:
“If I were Satan and wanted to destroy a society, I think I would stage a full-blown blitz on women. I would keep them so distraught and distracted that they would never find the calming strength and serenity for which their sex has always been known… We must have the courage to be imperfect while striving for perfection. We must not allow our own guilt, the feminist books, the talk-show hosts, or the whole media culture to sell us a bill of goods—or rather a bill of no goods. We can become so sidetracked in our compulsive search for identity and self-esteem that we really believe it can be found in having perfect figures or academic degrees or professional status or even absolute motherly success. Yet, in so searching externally, we can be torn from our true internal, eternal selves. We often worry so much about pleasing and performing for others that we lose our uniqueness—that full and relaxed acceptance of one’s self as a person of worth and individuality.”
Patricia T. Holland. “One Thing Needful”: Becoming Women of Greater Faith in Christ (Ensign, October 1987, pages 26–33)
I love how she said, “We must have the courage to be imperfect while striving for perfection.”
I love that phrase: the courage to be imperfect.
Not the shame of being imperfect.
Not the panic of being imperfect.
Not the constant need to hide, compare, apologize, perform, or prove.
Courage.
Sister Holland also taught that when we search externally for identity and self-esteem, we can be pulled away from our “true internal, eternal selves.”
Our true selves!
Not the version shaped by criticism.
Not the version shaped by comparison.
Not the version shaped by social media, impossible expectations, or even our own harsh inner voice.
The eternal self God sees.
The daughter He knows.
The woman He is patiently helping us become.
Humility means believing God
Satan would love for us to believe that insecurity is humility.
Because insecure people hesitate.
They stay quiet when they should speak.
They hide gifts that could bless others.
They second-guess promptings.
They shrink from callings.
They become so focused on their weaknesses that they forget the enabling power of Jesus Christ.
But God does not ask us to hate ourselves into holiness.
He asks us to come unto Christ.
True humility is allowing ourselves to see ourselves the way God does.
It is believing Him when He says we are His children.
It is trusting Him when He says His grace is sufficient.
It is accepting His forgiveness.
It is acknowledging the gifts He has given us.
It is using those gifts to bless others instead of hiding them because we are afraid of looking prideful.
Humility is not saying, “I am nothing.”
Humility is saying, “Without Christ, I am nothing. But with Him, I can do all things He asks of me.”
And that kind of humility does not make us weak.
It makes us strong.
It makes us bold.
It makes us confident.
Not because we trust ourselves perfectly.
Because we trust Him.
That is not pride.
That is faith.
Developing confidence
My husband, Phillip, has struggled with this concept for his entire life. He grew up believe that being saved by grace after all you can do meant all you can do. And so each time he messed up, lost his temper, forgot to read scriptures, it meant he wasn’t doing it all.
But as I said in another blog post, life is not meant to be a sprint; it’s a marathon.
The last few years, Phillip has begun a dedicated study to this concept: that the Atonement is big enough to cover you today.
Here are a few resources that have helped him on this journey. I hope they can be of use to you as well, as you seek to have confidence in yourself and view yourelf the way the Lord does.
- Believing Christ by Stephen E. Robinson (book)
- Believing Christ: A Practical Approach to the Atonement (BYU speech)
- Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence (General Conference)
- His Grace Is Sufficient (BYU Speech)
- The Atonement of Jesus Christ, Judgment Day, and You (BYU Speech)
- Confidence in the Presence of God (General Conference)
If you are struggling to develop this confidence in yourself, turn to the Lord. Ask Him to help you see yourself through his eyes. Moroni 7:47-48 teaches, “But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.”
Charity includes loving yourself the way that Christ does, and seeing yourself with that eternal, celestial perspective.
Please know that you are loved. God wants you to return to him. As Elder Holland so beautifully said, “The Savior wept and bled and died for you. He has given everything for your happiness and salvation. He certainly is not going to withhold help from you now!”
You can do this!
